some corny jokes

[unclescott58]

Know why all Minnesota's trees point south. Because Iowa sucks

I'm not a football fan, but I've heard this joke as, Why do all Minnesota trees point east. Because Packer's fans suck. I'm sure these same jokes are used in other parts of the country in simular situations. It's like in the 1970's when Polish jokes were popular. I'd go up to northern Minnesota and hear the exact same jokes, but told as Finnish jokes. Since there are a lot of Finns up there.

With that in mind.

Why are there no ice cubes in North or South Dakota?

- Because they lost the recipe.

What's the best thing to come out of Iowa?

- Interstate highway I35.

There are many more. Some about our neighbors to the north. But, I've done enough damage, and I do not want to start an international incident. At least for Now.

Scott

[Harry P.]

Stephen Wright was hilarious! I still remember my favorite joke by him...

"I thought about hooking the brakelights up to the gas pedal... I hit the gas, everyone stops, I'm gone...

I have the largest collection of sea shells on earth. Perhaps you've seen it... I keep it on beaches all over the world...

Lately I'm into abstract painting... really abstract. No canvas, no brushes, no paint... I just think about it...

I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance...

I was in a general store once. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific...

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier... I put them in the same room and just let them fight it out...

I installed a akylight in my apartment. The people upstairs are furious...

[Chuck Most]

I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to.

But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down.

-Mitch Hedberg

[Belugawrx]

How do you know a toothbrush was invented by a Southerner?

If a Northerner had invented it, it would have been called a teethbrush.

Scott

LolSorry I was laughing at Chuck's slipcover dilemma Edited December 12, 2014 by Belugawrx

[Chuck Most]

[unclescott58]

Now I can't find the joke here that someone posted here about crows getting hit by trucks only and not cars. I had more fun telling that joke to the kids at the high school I was working at today. And they all thought it was a great joke. Who ever posted that joke, I think it got lost like a lot of stuff here recently, so can you please post it again? You told it better than I did.

Scott

[Chuck Most]

[dartman]

Do you know why chicken coops have two doors?

If they had four doors they'd be chicken sedans.

Scott

That is one of my favorite jokes

[Harry P.]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a nice bottle of wine, they decide to call it a night and crawl into their tent and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up, looks around, and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky, and by your powers of deduction, tell me what you make of the situation."

Watson looks up and replies, "I see millions of stars."

"And what does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Well...astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. And meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

"Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!"

[Harry P.]

At the old monastery high in the mountains, the monks must take a rigid vow of silence. Only on Christmas day, and only by one monk, and only with one sentence, is the vow allowed to be broken.

One Christmas, while the monks are seated at their Christmas dinner, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak. "I like the mashed potatoes," he says and he sits down.

Silence ensues for 365 days.

The next Christmas, once again the monks are seated at Christmas dinner when Brother Michael gets his turn to speak. "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I hate them!"

Once again, silence ensues for another 365 days.

The next Christmas the monks are again seated at their Christmas dinner when Brother Paul rises and says, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"

[Tom Geiger]

Since we're talking monks...

At the ancient monastery the monks spent their days scribing new hand penned copies of ancient manuscripts. One day an elder monk asked, "I've been doing this work all my life. I see we're working from recent copies, has anyone ever checked the original to make sure we're accurate?"

The head monk told him the original documents were in the cellar and he was free to check for himself. A short time later the monk comes back, visibly shaken. The elder asks him what is the matter and he replies, "It says CELEBRATE!"

[mnwildpunk]

I went out to eat last night at a new restaurant called Sal monella's the fodd was ok until we all got sick

[Custom Hearse]

A young couple, very much in love died in a car accident.

Being very religious the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him.
St Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.

After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes" he informs the couple " I can get you married in Heaven".

"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

"You must be joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple".

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three months to find a priest up here.....Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

[Custom Hearse]

An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman: "You see how clever I am..? You'll never beat that..!"

The Scotsman says to the Englishman: "Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."

He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick..!" The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats.

Then he says to the baker: "Give me another cookie for my magic trick." The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again: "Give me one more cookie... "

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The

Scotsman eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: "And where is your famous magic trick?"

The Scotsman says: "Look in the Englishman's pocket."”

[Custom Hearse]

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company.

One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now." (He was an Irish setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.

And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

[unclescott58]

The last few jokes are great. Let me put a stop to that.

One day a preacher got up in front of his congregation and says, "How many of you would like to go to heaven? Please raise your hand."

Most people want to go to heaven, so they all raise their hands. Except for one guy in the back row.

The preacher looks at him and asks, "Don't you want to go to heaven?"

The guy looks around and says, "Not with this group!"

Scott

Edited December 19, 2014 by unclescott58

[Harry P.]

A drunk is staggering along a country road when he comes upon a preacher baptizing several people near the riverbank. Puzzled, the drunk walks up to the small crowd.

The preacher notices the drunk and asks him "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shrugs his shoulders, "Uh, yeah, well I guess so," he says uncertainly.

"Ok then, step into the water and come to me," replies the preacher. The drunk does so, and the preacher again asks the drunk, "Brother, are you ready to find Jesus?"

"OK," replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs the drunk's head and holds it iunder the water for a few seconds before he lets him up. "My brother, have you found Jesus?," the preacher asks.

"No, not yet," replies the drunk.

Surprised, the preacher again pushes the drunk's head into the water and holds it down for a few seconds longer before letting the drunk back up. "Have you found Jesus yet?"

Gasping and coughing, the drunk answers, "No, I still haven't found him!"

Shocked, the preacher decides to try it one last time, only this time he holds the drunk's head under water for almost a minute before letting him back up. "Well? Now have you found Jesus?"

The drunk is sputtering and coughing and gasping for breath as he asks the preacher "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[jaftygas]

An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman: "You see how clever I am..? You'll never beat that..!"

The Scotsman says to the Englishman: "Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."

He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick..!" The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats.

Then he says to the baker: "Give me another cookie for my magic trick." The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again: "Give me one more cookie... "

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The

Scotsman eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: "And where is your famous magic trick?"

The Scotsman says: "Look in the Englishman's pocket."”

LMAO!

[Custom Hearse]

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Darling, Honey, My Love, Pumpkin, Sweetheart, etc..

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, and said:

"I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said.

"Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, -- and I'm scared to death to ask the old battle axe what it is."

[Custom Hearse]

A farmer was trying to breed three sow hogs so he took them into town to the stud hog service. Once the hogs had finished breeding for the day, the stud owner explained, "If you see your hogs rolling in the mud, then they're pregnant. If they're basking in the sun, then the breeding was unsuccessful."

The next morning, the hogs were basking in the sun, so the farmer put them back into the truck and repeat drove back to town. The next day, the farmer noticed the same thing.

His hogs weren't in the mud, rolling around, so he figured they weren't pregnant.

Again, he loaded them into the truck and drove back to the stud service.

The next morning, the farmer couldn't bear to look at his hogs, so he asked his wife, "What are they doing?"

His wife responded, "Well, there's some good news and some bad news. The bad news is the hogs aren't rolling in the mud. The good news is they're already in the truck, and one of them is honking the horn!"

[mnwildpunk]

Why do ducks have flat feet?

To put out fires

why do elephants have flat feet?

To put out flaming ducks

[Custom Hearse]

I'll remember NOT to order the "Flaming Duck" for dinner Dave!

[Custom Hearse]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'
The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful

Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers :

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen...now run along and put the coffee on, there's a good woman.

[Custom Hearse]

A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately.

To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took him behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides, on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree.

The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

[Custom Hearse]

A young guy from N. J. moves to Fla. He goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a sales job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in New Jersey."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65."

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.

"Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast,

"So I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft."

"Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a BOAT AND a TRUCK?!"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"