some corny jokes

[unclescott58]

In the next few days, I'll tell you the story of three legged pig.

Scott

[DonW]

I'm sorry. I don't get this one?

Scott

You may not be alone, some do and some don't!

[unclescott58]

You may not be alone, some do and some don't!

Okay? Can you explain it?

[Harry P.]

A truck driver who had been taken for all he had by his ex-wife and her divorce lawyer made a habit of running down lawyers whenever he saw them walking along the side of the road. Whenever he saw a lawyer, he would swerve and plow into the lawyer with a loud THUMP, then swerve back onto the road and continue on.

One day he saw a priest walking along the side of the road and pulled over.

"Where are you headed, Father?"

"To the church about five miles down the road."

The trucker told the priest he would be happy to give him a lift to the church, and the grateful priest hopped in.

A few minutes later the trucker saw another lawyer walking along the side of the road, and instinctively swerved to hit him. But realizing he had a priest in his truck, he swerved back onto the road at the last minute… yet he still heard a loud THUMP.

The trucker was sure that he had missed the lawyer, but he felt uneasy and guilty. "I'm so sorry, Father! I almost hit that lawyer!"

"Don't worry about it," replied the priest with a smile. "I got him with the door!"

[Harry P.]

A kid has just moved into a new neighborhood and meets the boy next door.

"Hi, I'm Billy. What's your name?"

"Tommy," replies the boy. "Hey Billy, what does your dad do?"

"He's an accountant," replies Billy. "What about your dad?"

"He's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asks Billy.

"Nah," replies Tommy. "Just the regular kind."

[Harry P.]

A little boy and his mother were in the cemetery paying their respects to a departed relative when the boy asks his mother "Do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not!", replies his mother. "Why would you think that?"

"Well, on that tombstone over there it says 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.' "

[Harry P.]

A lawyer's client is found guilty in court. The next day, the lawyer rushes into the judge's chamber, all excited.

"Your Honor! I have just found out new information about my client and I demand to file an appeal!"

"What new information have you discovered?"

"My client still has another $5,000!"

[Harry P.]

Isn't it a shame how just 99% of lawyers give the whole profession a bad name?

[Harry P.]

A clever lawyer, a doctor, and an accountant were sitting three abreast on an airplane, with the lawyer on the aisle. After takeoff, the lawyer took off his shoes, reclined his seat, and relaxed.

A few minutes after the drink cart came by, the doctor said "You know, maybe I do want a drink after all. Excuse me, can I get out and go get a coke?", he asked his seatmates.

"I'm already on the aisle... I'll get your coke," offered the clever lawyer.

While the clever lawyer was gone, the doctor put a tack in one of the lawyer's shoes as he smiled at the accountant.

Soon after the clever lawyer got back with the doctor's drink, the accountant said "I think I'd like a coke, too!"

Again, the clever lawyer offered to get the accountant's coke, and while he was gone, the accountant smiled at the doctor as he put a tack into the lawyer's other shoe.

The lawyer returned with the accountan'ts coke, and the rest of the flight was uneventful. Just before landing, the clever lawyer slipped on his shoes and felt a sharp pain from the two tacks.

Rolling his eyes, he said to the doctor and the accountant, "Really, gentlemen. We are all professionals. Just how long must this silly behavior go on? The practical jokes... the spitting into your drinks..."

[DonW]

Okay? Can you explain it?

It's that the punch line is so obvious and anti-climactic when it comes - try this dialog:

A: 'What did Rommel say to his men before they got into their tanks'

B: 'I don't know'

A: 'Get into your tanks, men'

B: 'Doh!'

It's not as funny as most of the other stuff on this thread but that's sort of the point - it is corny.

[Harry P.]

Q: What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start!

Q: What do you have if there are three lawyers buried up to their necks in cement?

A: Not enough cement!

Q: What's the difference between a bad lawyer and a good lawyer?

A: A bad lawyer can cause a case to drag on for months. A good lawyer can cause a case to drag on for years!

[Deano]

It's that the punch line is so obvious and anti-climactic when it comes - try this dialog:

A: 'What did Rommel say to his men before they got into their tanks'

B: 'I don't know'

A: 'Get into your tanks, men'

B: 'Doh!'

It's not as funny as most of the other stuff on this thread but that's sort of the point - it is corny.

And the fact that is was so not-funny is why it was funny! Well, that and the folks who didn't get it!

[peekay]

Patient: "Doctor, I have this strawberry growing out of my head."

Doctor: "I'll give you some cream to put on that."

Why do bees hum?

Because they can never remember the words.

[Harry P.]

A guy sits down at the bar, orders a beer, and asks the barmaid if she wants to hear a blonde joke.

The barmaid takes a shotgun out from under the bar and says: "I'm blonde and I have a gun. The two girls sitting to your right are blondes and they are professional tag team wrestlers. The girl sitting to your left is a blonde and is covered with tattoos and rides a Harley. The girl standing behind you right now is my bouncer, and she is also a blonde and has a black belt in karate. Are you sure you still want to tell that joke?"

The guy replies: "Well, geez, not if I'm going to have to repeat it five times."

[Custom Hearse]

Russ and Fred, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Fred didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something...

But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Fred really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Fred didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.


A month had passed, and Fred figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Fred approached the park and-- lo and behold! -- there sat Russ! Fred was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'


Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Fred. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Fred, 'I remember her. What about her?


'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.

[Custom Hearse]

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer". The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an equal opportunity employer. The manager said "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

[Custom Hearse]

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."
After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"

"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"

[Custom Hearse]

A young guy from N. J. moves to Fla. He goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a sales job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in New Jersey."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65."
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
"Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast,
"So I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft."
"Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a BOAT AND a TRUCK?!"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

[Custom Hearse]

A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides, on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde." The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

[chunkypeanutbutter]

To go with Harry's lawyer jokes...

What do lawyers use for birth control?

Their personalities.

[Chuck Most]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it was, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task.

Forty five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is, because you're not a monk.

[Ju Ju]

A little boy was sitting on a curb holding a glass jar full of liquid , rocking it back and forth , looking at it very attentively.

A priest walked by and wondered what the little boy had in that glass jar .

So the priest sat down on the curb next to the little boy , then reached into his pocket and pulled out his own jar of liquid.

The priest started rocking his jar back and forth and said " This is Holy Water and one time I baptized a baby with some of this and he went on to be the Pope"

The little boy , still rocking his jar looked at the priest and said....

"oh yeah ? this is turpentine and one time I rubbed some on a cats butt and he passed a motorcycle"

[unclescott58]

Chuck I like the "Monk" joke you posted above a lot. Never heard that one before. Great punch line line.

Scott

[unclescott58]

Why does it takes pirates many, many years to learn their alphabet?

They keep getting stuck on the "C".

What's a pirates favorite letter in the alphabet?

"Arrrrr".

Why would the pirate captain not let his crew go to the movie?

Because it was rated "Arrrrr".

What's a pirates favorite restaurant?

"Arrrrrbys".

Scott

Edited October 8, 2014 by unclescott58

[unclescott58]

Okay time for the famous "Incredible Three Legged Pig" joke.

One day a salesman is traveling down a country road and his car breaks down. This happened in the days before cell phones. So he has to walk to nearest farm to phone for a tow truck.

As he's walking up the driveway to the farm house, he passes by this pig pen. And in that pig pen is standing the most magnificent pig you could ever want see. But, the pig has only has three legs. He doesn't think much of it and continues up to the farm house.

He gets there knocks on the door. The farmer opens up and the salesman explains to the farmer what has happened and asks to use the phone. The farmer says, "Sure, go a head." Well it's going to be several hours before a tow truck can get out there to help the salesman. So, the farmer invites him to have a cup of coffee and shoot the breeze.

Well they talk for an hour or so, about what ever you talk to farmers about. Things like how well the crops are doing. The weather. The price of feed for the cattle. What ever? Soon they run out of things to talk about. So the salesman mentions seeing the magnificent pig out in the pig pen, with only three legs. What's the story behind that? Why does the pig have only three legs? The farmer get all excited, and starts to tell the salesman the story of this incredible pig.

He says, "Mr. that is the most incredible pig your ever going to see. This last Christmas Eve, the wife, the kids and I enjoyed a nice dinner, then sat down in living room and enjoy looking the Christmas tree and sing a few carols. Pretty soon it's time to go to bed. Well everybody went to bed, and we forgot to turn lights off on the Christmas tree. And the tree was a little dry. Soon the hot lights set the tree on fire! We didn't know nothing about it. We're up stairs sleeping. But, somehow that incredible pig out in the barn knows something's wrong! He gets so excited, but can't find a way out of the barn. So, he smashes through a window! He runs up to the house. Again he can't find a way in. So he smashes through another window! He runs up stairs. Wakes the wife and I up. Then he goes from room to room, waking up the kids. He helps drag the little kids out who are having trouble because of the smoke. When everybody is out and safe, he goes back in and moves the gifts and the furniture away from the tree, so there was less damage to our stuff by the time fire department got there to put the fire out. Heck, that pig saved our Christmas!

The salesman is impress impressed! He agrees that is one incredible pig!

The farmer says, "That's nothing! This spring I'm out plowing the back forty. I happen to get the tractor on hill that was a little too steep for her. It tips over sideways, pinning my leg underneath the machine. There's gasoline pouring out all over, heading towards the hot exhaust. I figure I'm a goner. Somehow, that pig, way over on the other side of the farm knows there's something wrong! He gets so excited, he flips over the fence of the pen! He runs all the way across the fields to where I am. When gets there, he looks at the situation, figuring out where he can get the best leverage to lift the tractor off my leg. He frees my leg, and then drags me away to safety just before the tractor blows up! Heck that incredible pig saved my life!

The salesman is amazed! But he asks again, "Why does the pig have only three legs?

"Well," the farmer says, "You wouldn't eat an incredible pig like that all at once. Would you?"

Scott

Edited October 8, 2014 by unclescott58